I Guess That's Romance
by untiemypants
Summary: A Roy/Ed thing of feels I will never stop apologizing about. Rated for language and intense feels. Al needs to drive Ed somewhere before they take off for Resembool but can either brother handle it? (I sure can't.)


**A/N: I am literally so sorry for this, I couldn't even edit it without crying and I am so sorry. The song lyrics at the beginning were my inspiration for this, oddly enough. The song is Let Her Go by Passenger and all the rights go to him. Check it if you want to, or not, that's okay. Anyways, enjoy and again I apologize repeatedly.**

* * *

"_Well you only need the light when it's burning low._

"_Only miss the sun when it starts to snow._

"_Only know you love her when you let her go-"_

Ed reaches across the dash and switches the radio station. His brother shoots him a look and switches it back.

"_Only know you've been high when you're feeling low._

"_Only hate the road when you're missing home-"_

Ed scowls and turns the radio off. Al sighs and tightens his grip on the steering wheel. Out of the corner of his eye, he can see his older brother shift in his seat.

"We're almost there," Al says gently. Ed grunts in response. The two brothers drive on in silence until they reach a red light. As Al slows to a stop he can hear his brother sniffing. Carefully, he twists the knob on his radio to turn it on. _I'm not listening to this, _he thinks to himself as the radio clicks on.

"Don't," Ed growls through a sob. Al retreats and turns his attention back to the road. The light turns green and the car rolls forward.

"We're almost there," Al restates, making a turn. He hears Ed sniff again and move to look out the window. "There are tissues in the-"

"I don't need any damn tissues," Ed scoffs at the window. Al flinches but continues to drive on. They are alone on the road, which makes focusing a little easier. It rained the night before and the road was shiny. Al sighs at the thought of last night. The cemetery appears on the corner ahead of them and he can feel his brother stiffen.

Al pulls into the parking lot and waits, not turning the car off yet. He stares at his brother. Ed is red-faced and hard, staring ahead at the rows of graves. Just the night before, he had been shivering in a puddle of alcohol while he screamed that life wasn't fair. Al hated seeing him like that, like _this_. Ed's stages of grieving were anger and absolute destruction of himself, but not necessarily in that order. He looks back to his brother, who is trying so hard not to cry.

Ed wipes his nose on his sleeve and turns away from his brother. "I'll be back," he mutters as he opens the door.

Al opens his mouth to say something, but the slamming of his passenger door cuts him off. With his brother gone, Al turns his radio on. He hates waiting in silence.

Al watches Ed climb up the slight hill to a new grave covered in flowers and other gifts. _I just have to give him something before we go. Don't tell anyone, just drive. Alright? _Al leans back in his seat and waits, the soft beat of some unknown song steadying his heart.

X

Ed stares at the grave, his heart beating faster than it should. Immediately, unwanted tears sting the back of his eyes. Ed feverishly wipes them away in an attempt to wipe away the sadness looming like a rain cloud over his heart. Thinking of rain, Ed looks up at the sky and manages a small smile.

"Good thing it's not raining anymore," he says softly to the gravestone. A woman a few feet away gives him a look. Ed bows his head and finishes, "You're no good in the rain." A mellow breeze plays with Ed's blonde bangs and he starts shaking.

Dropping to his knees, Ed takes in heavy breaths while choking on his tears. _Dammit,_ he snarls to himself, wiping his eyes. Now the gravestone is in front of him at eye level, the newly engraved name staring at him. Ed laughs nervously and the woman glances at him again.

"You know," he says loud enough for her to hear, "that stupid song on the radio is stuck in my head." The woman sighs and walks over slowly.

"Would you like a tissue?" she asks, holding one out.

Ed shakes his head, chuckling. "I'm fine, thank you."

The woman kneels beside him, frowning. "You don't look it," she mutters, staring at the grass. Ed turns to look at her. She is sad, like him, he can see it in her grey eyes. Her long black hair is tied in a messy bun on her head, the loose strands of hair tickling her neck. She looks how Ed feels; messy and sad and confused.

"Is anyone ever _fine_ when they come to a cemetery?" Ed wonders. The woman smiles but doesn't look up.

"I guess not," she answers after a while. Ed turns his head back to the gravestone in front of him. Bouquets of expensive flowers decorate the sides and bottom. Notes stick out of the ground with words of sorrow scribbled on them. Nothing special grabs his attention, however. "Who is this?" the woman suddenly asks, placing a slender finger on the _M_ etched in the stone.

Ed looks at her with wide eyes. "It's, um..." _...one of the biggest bastards in all of Amestris. _The woman watches the emotions flicker behind Ed's golden eyes and thinks of something else to say.

"I'm here to see my brother," she whispers. "He died while I was at our parents' house in Xing. I have to go see his wife soon. I don't want to go," she admits to Ed. Ed thinks of Gracia and Elicia instantly, and how much they appreciate every visit he and Al make.

"It would mean a lot to her," he replies, picturing the small family.

"I know," the woman nods. "I still don't want to go." Ed nods and looks back at the stone, frowning.

X

Al frowns at the woman beside his brother. He has never seen her before, but based on her visage and hair, he guesses that she's native to Xing. Al runs a hand through his hair when he sees his brother start talking again. He knew this trip to the cemetery would take a long time, and he was ready to wait, but he also knew Ed wasn't going to do what he wanted with that woman there. A familiar song begins on the radio and Al turns it up. At least he can listen to music while Ed is outside.

X

"What song were you referring to earlier?" the woman asks carefully, fearing an emotional break down.

"Oh," Ed says, "just some stupid song on the radio." The woman nods and watches Ed think. She notes a tear on his cheek and wipes it away. "Thanks," Ed mutters, drawing his knees into his chest.

"This is hard, isn't it?"

"Yeah." The two mourners sit at the grave in silence. Ed wonders why the woman cared at all about Ed, people cry at cemeteries all the time. _I'm not anything special, _he thinks, staring at the damp grass at his knees. He hears a familiar but distant voice tell him he is. Another tear hits Ed's knee and he quickly wipes it away. The woman glances at Ed.

"I'm going to go see her," she says quietly. Ed looks up at her and nods once before looking back to the grave. The woman gives Ed one more long look containing nothing but concern before leaving.

X

Al watches the woman stand and leave slowly. He sees his brother suddenly snap his head up, as if he had just realized something. Curious, Al turns the radio down but he can't hear anything they are saying. He shrugs as the woman turns to leave a second time, this time making it to the parking lot. Al smiles and waves as she approaches.

"Hello," he says, smiling, as he lowers his window.

The woman waves and stands beside the car. "Is that your brother up there?" she asks, motioning to Ed.

Al nods. "Is he, um, okay?"

"Depends on your definition of okay," the woman sighs, looking at the blonde up the hill. _Better than last night_, Al thinks. "I'm Yuka, by the way," she adds quickly.

"Al." The woman nods and mentions she has somewhere to be. Al, not quite thinking about the present, wishes her good luck. Yuka, somewhat confused, turns and walks to her car.

Leaning back in his seat, Al closes his eyes to relax. An image of his older brother drooling with a distant look in his eyes forms. He is babbling in cryptical tongue. Al sees himself grab Ed's face, trying to get him to stand up, to take a walk...

_"Letgoofme," Ed slurs, pushing Al away. The unexpected force of the push causes the blonde to fall on the floor and he starts laughing._

_ "Brother, get up!" Al shouts desperately. "We should go-"_

_ "We...can't...leave..." Ed half-sings with his face pressed against the kitchen tile. The strong smell of alcohol follows the tune and worries Al even more than the sickening smile his brother wears. _

_ "Let's go somewhere," he whispers to his brother with pseudo-excitement. "You want to go somewhere?" Ed looks up from his daze, now looking angry. _

_ "No!" he yells, struggling to pull himself up. "You...no!" Ed swats his brother away as he fumbles to stand. "Icandoit!"_

_ Al runs a shaking hand through his short hair, trying frantically to think of a way to get his brother to the hospital. Ed slips again and falls to the tile, but instead of laughing he starts to cry. The blonde pushes away all of Al's attempts to help him and leans against the cabinet._

_ "IT'S NOT FAIR!" he thunders. Al backs away and watches, useless. His brother, the strongest person he knows, completely deconstructed into a drunk mess of emotions and Al can do nothing. "LIFE ISN'T FAIR! I DIDN'T GET TO TELL HIM!"_

_ "Tell him what?" Al asks gently, extending out a hand. Ed looks into his eyes, his own a pool of golden tears. Al can feel tears threatening him as he sees how lifeless Ed's eyes are. "Tell him what?" he repeats, his voice cracking._

Al opens his eyes and sniffs. He sees Ed still at the grave and sighs. _At least he's alone_, he thinks.

X

"Now that we're alone I can't remember what I was going to say," Ed admits bashfully to the stone. He stares long at the name carved perfectly in the grey rock and can feel more tears. "Dammit," he grumbles, wiping his eyes. "I didn't cry this much when mom died."

Ed shifts so he is sitting next to the grave. He relaxes and rests his head on the stone. A calm wind tickles the side of his face, drying a tear.

"This is much easier," he professes, closing his eyes. "It's always been easier to feel you rather than look at you." Ed smiles. "You're too damn good looking for your own good, you know that? 'Course you do." Ed rolls his head along the stone to remind himself he's talking to a rock and not a person. "I've damn near lost my mind," he mumbles. Ed puts his hand in his pocket and takes in a deep breath.

"Al and I are going to live in Resembool for a while, that's why I'm here," he begins, fiddling with his pocket. "You wanted to stay here, I know, that's why we're leaving. But I had to tell you something before we left, and I'll be damned if I say anything meaningful to you through these tears." Ed sniffs and blinks, focusing on the freshly turned dirt to distract himself. He picks up a small clump and crumbles it in his free hand. A tear falls into the earth, making a round dark spot. "I guess it'll mean more if I'm choking for breath at the end, huh? Tears streaming down my face? Might as well start then.

"It's not much, just a story. A true one, though, with lots of drama and, um," Ed inhales and exhales, wiping a stray tear off, "_romance_. Well, I wouldn't call it romance, more like ridiculously complicated and messy lust with a dash of confusing feelings. I guess that is romance, actually." Ed smiles to himself and continues.

"It starts in an apartment in Central, late morning. I'm asleep in this really warm bed with expensive white sheets. My hair is out and all over the pillow. Someone tugs my hair so I groan and roll over, only to wake up to see you staring at me, this stupidly attractive smirk on your face.

"'Get up, sunshine!' you tell me, throwing a pillow at my face, 'We need donuts.' I stick my tongue out and act like I hate it when you call me sunshine, but in reality I can't think of anything I'd rather be called. So we get up and walk downtown to this super old-fashioned cafe to get donuts and coffee. I notice that you look wonderful, even if one side of your hair is sticking straight up. I can't remember a time when you didn't care about your appearance, so of course I point it out. All you do is put on this stupid grin and drink your coffee.

"I get up to pee and come back and you're gone, tip is paid and everything. No one in the cafe knows where you went except that you mentioned a fountain. I see a note on the table that says: 'Hey pretty lady, care to throw a few pennies in the well?' which is a line from this dumb movie we watched the night before.

"So I make my way to the park where the fountain is to see you, hair combed, sitting on the ground with flashcards. I have no idea what you're doing. I walk over and you nonchalantly throw the cards over your shoulder, like it's nothing, and there it is again, that incredible smile. We sit down and talk by the fountain about whatever and then, for no reason, you hold my hand. This is weird, since you aren't one for public displays of affection. But I am so enamored by you I go along with it, like it's something we do everyday. Out of nowhere you say the craziest thing I have ever heard someone say to me:

"'Edward Elric, I am so love in with you that...' there is a really long pause here and then you finish with the most articulate speech ever spoken, '...fuck I forgot the next part _even thought I just studied it _but I know it ends with...will you marry me?' And I look at you, that damn smile is still there, and you have a ring in your hand. A simple silver band, that's all. And then I punch you in the arm and you kiss me and all the people in the park have no idea what's going on but all I know is that I have never been more happy in my entire life. Then I realize something, something really stupid of me. I try to tell you but you're too excited so I let you be happy. You aren't happy a lot, but when you are, it's the most beautiful thing the world is blessed to be a part of. So I let you be happy. Until one day, you aren't there anymore." Ed can feel the tears flowing freely through his closed eyes. His breath is choppy and interrupted by the sounds of his sobbing but he knows he has to finish.

"You're just g-gone, like...like that. And I have never f-felt so l-low in my entire life I swear I don't even know what h-happy is." Ed stops and opens his eyes. There is no one around him. He isn't in a park, or a cafe, or an apartment. He's at the cemetery, sitting alone against a cold rock. The only thing around him are dead people.

Ed stands up and wipes his nose on his sleeve. "There was this song," he sniffs. "About losing love and not even knowing you lost it until it's gone. I never got that. I got love, _really hard love_, but still love, and then suddenly I didn't have it.

"Al and I are leaving for Resembool, what he calls home. Resembool isn't home to me, you are. I didn't just lose love when you died, I lost home." This time Ed allows the tears to fall as they will, gathering at his chin and finally raining onto the earth. He pulls his hand out of his pocket and places a silver ring on the top of the grave.

"Only hate the road when you're missing home; guess I won't be liking the road for a while, huh?" Ed turns to leave but then stops. By now he can hardly see through his own emotions. "Almost forgot," he calls out, as if the stone was a person, "the thing I tried to tell you..."

X

Al tries to tell himself that it isn't his fault Ed is like this. _Like what? Look at him! Everyone gets sad, Al, nothing you can do to stop it,_ he reassures himself looks slowly through the glass at this brother. He is sitting against the grave, talking to the air around him. Al groans and gets out of the car, ready to carry his brother home if he has to.

The youngest Elric walks up the hill, his boots hardly making a sound in the soft, well-kept grass of the cemetery. Just before Al reaches the hilltop, Ed stands and puts something on the stone. Al watches his brother turn to leave, and then stop. Thinking of the worst, Al jogs to his brother.

"Brother!" he calls, but Ed doesn't hear him. Al can see the tears pouring from Ed's eyes as he turns back to the grave. Al hears him utter the words _I will_ before he stuffs his hands in his pockets and walks towards the car. Al notes a glint of sliver amidst the mess of colorful flowers and smiles, knowing his brother did what he had to, whatever it was.


End file.
